Is that Ganondorf singing?
by Harmony Seraphim
Summary: Link’s childish male body barely looked like it could continue holding any alcohol, but the Goron bartender had no clue about what was or wasn’t a safe amount of alcohol to give a pre-pubescent boy." Link gets drunk and starts hearing a familiar voice.


Honestly, I have no excuse for this story. An inspiration hit me in the face, and the plot bunny would not stop biting my nose until I had finally gotten it out. Thus, total, unadulterated crack based off of LoZ: Ocarina of Time. I love comments! And this is a pure joke. Don't take it seriously.

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Legend of Zelda CRACK

(Inspired by the Ferrets song. Go look it up on youtubeto get the tune. Or just delete the spaces. http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = BNZzJELbFRI )

Link was practically drinking his weight in liquor in one of the slummiest bars in the Goron village. Princess Zelda never seemed to spare Link a glance anymore, ever since he turned back into a child. Link's mind had never fully matured into the older him, but becoming older, even if only for a flimsy period, made him mentally no longer able to tolerate his home, Kokiri Village. Entrapped in his child body, he left Kokiri village, with only the clothes on his back and the Kokiri sword that Saria allowed him to 'borrow'.

A couple of years had passed, with Zelda giving Link the occasional odd job as a diplomat to the Zora, Gerudo, and Goron villages. Link's childish male body barely looked like it could continue holding any alcohol, but the Goron bartender had no clue about what was or wasn't a safe amount of alcohol to give a pre-pubescent boy. The Goron bartender continued refilling the glass of alcohol, oblivious to Link's current state.

"Zelda…" Link said finally, his eyes bursting with tears as he threw his arms untidily over the counter and started weeping his heart out. The bartended inched away, unable to understand the lone Hylinian patron left in the bar, and muttered something about needing to get supplies from the storeroom. 'Hylians are SO weird…"

"Zelda…." Link continued crying over his heart's one and only.

An overly happy mature male voice asked, "Aww, Link, what's wrong? You seem kind of sad!"

Without looking up at the voice that seemed achingly familiar although Link couldn't place it, Link stated, "I am sad."

"Ohhhh, noooooo!" The low masculine voice went up a few octaves past its normal tone. Link had a funny feeling buzzing around in his tummy. "Zelda hates me! It's terrible!"

"Teeeerrrrriiiibbbllllleeee!" The overly exuberant voice said.

"It makes me sad." Link finished, lamely.

"Well, when I'm sad, I think about all the things in the world that make me happy!" the voice Link could finally recognize as Ganondorf said overly cheerfully. Link looked up at Ganondorf, one half of his face still covered by his arms. Link resigned himself to this overly happy Ganondorf, and a part of his mind wondered how Ganondorf got out of the Sacred Realm. His fingers flexed, almost as if to grab the Master Sword, but his arms couldn't even move an inch to try to grab the Kokiri Sword.

Another part of Link wondered where the music was coming from.

"A Deku Nut Pie, a star-filled sky, a breezy meadow in July. An ice cream bar, a shooting star, the sound of an organ in Mar'."

Link mumbled, "That's wonderful!", still trying to figure out where the cheerful music was coming from.

"I love dancing in rain, wearing a hat and cane. Stained window glass panes, fill me with glee!"

Link could still see the image of Ganondorf floating in his castle, surrounded by stained glass. Briefly, Link pondered how many windows Ganondorf had accidentally broken using the Triforce of Power.

"Jumping in a warm lake, eating a chocolate cake, hearing the screams you make, fill me with glee!"

Link wondered what this 'chocolate' was, and if Ganondorf had found it in the Sacred Realm.

"These are all the little things that make me smile, this is all the stuff that makes life worthwhile! Everyone knows my evil, cruel reign was a lie, so let's sing about the stuff we love and don't be shy!"

After a second, Link said, "But your reign wasn't…" before Ganon's singing drowned Link's voice out.

"A strip of lace, a pretty face! A super shiny, sharpened mace! Froggy leaps, children's meeps, touching Link inappropriately while he sleeps."

Link had finally figured out what all of those dreams about prodding objects were coming from!

"I love the feel of grains, hearing a man in pain, blood coming down like rain, showering me!"

Link woozily wondered if that was hygienic.

"That everlasting thrill, during the final kill, body dumped in the Windmill, got off scot-free!"

Link had found out the source of the horrible smell in the windmill, and why the dude in there was crazy!

"These are all the little things that make me smile! These are all the things that make life worthwhile! One day I will kill you dead and it'll be great! So let's sing about the things you like and meet your fate."

As Link faded into unconsciousness, he wasn't sure what he thought was the creepiest; the fact that Ganondorf was smiling during the whole song, the fact that he could see the backgrounds and the pictures from the whole song playing in his head, or the fact that he knew the song was so catchy that he'd be trying to figure it out on his Ocarina for months to come.


End file.
